BE:
Today would have been my parents’ 63rd wedding anniversary. My mom died in February 2018, so this anniversary and the previous four have only been in our memories, not celebrated in-person.
This is a picture that came up in my TimeHop today. It was part of a display at Tenley’s and Stewart’s wedding last year of the grandparents’ and parents’ weddings.
My dad fell at his assisted living early Tuesday morning and broke three vertebrae, so he has been at the hospital since then, in and out of the ICU.
I’ve observed multiple times now as a doctor or nurse evaluated his awareness, asking him his name, his location, and what year it is. Sometimes he got it right; other times he did not.
I didn’t know the FMF word would be “be” when I arrived at the hospital on Wednesday (I had been out of town on business, so my daughter had blessedly stayed with him all day on Tuesday).
But if there’s any word that represents what has been going through my head this week, it’s “be.”
I’ve asked myself exactly HOW I can help in a way that supports him without making things worse by hovering.
When he was hallucinating the past couple of days, I’ll admit I took myself out of his line of sight, because I felt like it was frustrating him more than helping to keep saying, “We’ll get that later” when he asked for whatever nonexistent item (his toothbrush, a Pepsi, etc.) that he could “see RIGHT THERE.”
I hope it’s enough just to be there.
And on this day when I remember their anniversary, I can’t help wondering how the two optimistic people in this picture thought life would be.
Welcome to this week’s Five Minute Friday. Our instructions, via coordinator Kate Motaung: “Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.” (But I can’t resist spell checking, as you can imagine.)
Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many. My pronouns are she/her/hers.
It is enough to be there,
and not offer any more;
trust me, friend, I have been where
one truly learns the score.
I’ve been concussed so many times,
and not knowing where or why,
I’ve spoken out in silly rhymes
that helped me to get by.
And Barb’s been always at my side,
a quiet calming presence,
not knowing what may yet betide,
but silent in the essence
that understands what bruised mind feels,
and in faith and grace, just heals.
Thank you for this, Andrew, truly.
God bless you, dear Paula.
Ah your piece strikes many cords. The beauty of life…the loss when you lose those you love. My mother lived most of her live without my father. He died at 45. She left us at 98. I believed there is a heaven for both of them.
I’m sure there is. Thank you for sharing. <3
So hard and worrisome to see a loved one suffer. I hope your dad recovers.
Thank you, Laurie. The nurses are all so dedicated, but the whole system seems disjointed to me.
I’ve had a husband and a boyfriend die of cancer and took care of my dad when he was in the hospital a couple of times. It’s never easy. I found I needed to become their advocate to make sure they got what they needed or to assist various doctors in their communication with each other.
Oh yes and I am struggling with whether I am being a good enough advocate. I feel like I’ve done this drill before in a way (with my mom). Hopefully I learned a few things (observe, write things down, ask questions) but it doesn’t seem very effective right this moment. Thank you for commenting/sharing.
The hardest part is to see a parent change so drastically. You feel helpless and it can be frustrating at times. Just ‘being’ takes a lot of patience and courage. Sending thoughts and prayers your way, Paula.