ACCEPT (FMF31 2019 Day 26)

I am participating in 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes 2019 (all of my submissions can be found here).

Today’s prompt is: ACCEPT

I was in Nashville for a conference last Saturday through Wednesday. I love traveling, and I love visiting cities especially.

This trip gave me a small punch in the gut as I processed something I thought I had accepted.

My college boyfriend was from the Nashville area, and I visited numerous times (five? six? I lost count). Such great memories — his welcoming family, visiting the Opryland hotel with its plant-filled atrium, the fall colors.

We broke up after college ended and moved on.

We had a few phone conversations after the breakup, but never saw each other again.

That was in the mid-80s.

I have been to Nashville twice since then. Once was a work trip for a conference, and I was with a colleague.

The second time, I was with my husband for his work trip.

This time, I was mostly solo (although I did have colleagues around for part of the trip).

I got a little bit stuck mentally in the what ifs. Not the what ifs of whether we would have stayed together (I know now that would have been a bad idea; I know he married and has kids and assume he’s happy, which is of course what I want the most).

But we aren’t social media friends (I requested, he didn’t accept and I’ve not checked recently but I think I’m blocked). It’s hard to accept that, because I put so much stock in being friends with everyone.

*** end of five minutes ***

One thing that becomes more apparent the older you get, though, is that it’s futile to force a friendship when for whatever reason it just isn’t in the cards.

I’m grateful for the role that person played in my life, for the fun we had, and for this opportunity to turn the situation over in my head (again). Maybe being there by myself was something I needed to do to say a more clear and compassionate goodbye.