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June 28, 2015

Not About Me

When the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage on Friday, many of my Facebook friends turned their Facebook profiles “rainbow” in celebration and solidarity. I did not immediately change my profile picture, because it was my daughter’s 19th birthday and I had posted a picture of the two of us that I intended to leave up for all of June 26.

Early Saturday morning, I “rainbow’d” myself. Shortly afterwards, I posted a status that wished Tallahassee runners good luck in a 5K being held that day and commented that I was glad the race supported high school cross country, which was a great cause. It was my first “post-rainbow” post. An acquaintance immediately commented, “Oh great so YOU’RE on that bandwagon now too. Weren’t enough people already?” I responded “I am proudly and unapologetically ‘on that bandwagon’.” Then another acquaintance chimed in with a commentary about the confederate flag. The two of them exchanged barbs that had nothing to do with running. After once asking that the thread be kept to support of runners, I decided to take back my own Facebook page. I deleted the entire comment thread and stated that I was rebooting the thread to “support 101” so that the focus could be kept on running. The phrase “on the bandwagon,” though, had gotten me thinking …

About the road to “that bandwagon”:

When I was in high school, I loved someone. This relationship was one of the first intense loves of my life. I seeded the short-term, unseasoned reality of this teenage relationship with unrealistic hopes and expectations that it would last a long time; this relationship was central to who I thought I was.

When he told me, somewhere in our first couple of years of college, that he was gay, I was crushed and disbelieving. A close adult friend consoled me by sympathetically saying “you’re not strong enough for that” (as if a “stronger” person could overcome this particular reason for a relationship ending). More than one person empathized, “you don’t even get to use femininity to overcome this.”

In an attempt to gain some semblance of hope for the future, I went to a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting here in Tallahassee. This was before “B, “Q,” and “T” (for bisexual, queer, and transgender), among other letters, were part of acronyms for groups like this. What the facilitator said was not what I wanted to hear:

“THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU”

One of the facilitator’s central points was “he has his own work to do, figuring out this part of his identity, and he could use your support as opposed to your misguided anger.” Although it took me decades of life experience after being told “this is not about you” to fully comprehend what that meant, I got there.

I got there when my volunteer responsibilities (and subsequent paid on call supervisor responsibilities) made me one of the first counselors on the Florida AIDS Hotline (since our crisis counseling service held the contract for the AIDS Hotline).

I got there when I became more involved in the FSU Film School community and was witness over and over to acceptance among people representing ALL the letters of the alphabet: L, G, B, Q, T, S – whatever.

I got there when I had the opportunity to be involved in making this:

I got there when time moved on and I realized the person who I thought had broken my heart in the early 80s had actually been fate’s way of squeezing a wedge in a closed door of my heart and beliefs. This wedge let the light in and created a spectrum of color where previously only black and white had existed.

Not About Me

 

 

Paula Kiger
Paula Kiger

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many. My pronouns are she/her/hers.

Filed Under: Reflections Tagged With: Facebook, Florida AIDS Hotline, FSU Film School, PFLAG, Rainbow, RJ Aguiar, Same Sex Marriage, Supreme Court, The Family Tree

Previous Post: « Gneeding a Gnome: Summer 2015 #RunChatHunt
Next Post: Primates of Park Avenue: A Review »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Laura Petrolino says

    June 28, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Wow! What a great and powerful post! Lots of thinking to do on this one!

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 28, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Thank you, Laura. That means a lot coming from you.

      Reply
  2. Heather Cribbs says

    June 28, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    I understand your perspective, but I will not be turning my profile picture rainbow. This de sip will have a greater effect than we can see now. As a Christian no matter how much I love my friends and family who are gay. I cannot condone their behavior. The ruling Friday will have a very large impact. Federal funding for Christian colleges will be cut unless they change their doctrine. the law they enacted will also open the door for many things we didn’t even see coming.
    I feel and whole heartedly believe the time is NOW for Christians to stand firm and stop watering down the bible to meet our culture.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 28, 2015 at 10:18 pm

      Heather, you have been very clear on your viewpoint. I am glad we can respect each other and remain on good terms.

      Reply
  3. Moe Elkadri says

    June 28, 2015 at 10:36 pm

    Paula, thank you for sharing such private moments of your life with us. Each week you teach us that everything in our lives happens for a reason and we should take the time to reflect on those moments. Sometimes we learn from them, sometimes the other person does, and sometimes we both do.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 28, 2015 at 10:39 pm

      Thank you, Moe. This is about 600 words of a 6000 word story, but hopefully the words I picked will extend positivity at a time when it would be easy to give in to divisiveness.

      Reply
  4. Colleen says

    June 28, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Love this post, Paula. And you’re right. It’s not about me, nor will Friday’s decision in any way change people’s views, but at least more people will have their civil rights.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 4:30 am

      True, Colleen. Thanks for reading/commenting!

      Reply
  5. Tara Geissinger (@TaraGeissinger) says

    June 28, 2015 at 11:26 pm

    Love learning a little more about you, Paula. 🙂 Personally, I am disheartened by my Facebook feed right now and a little frightened at some of the reactions I am seeing. I love how you talked about seeing things in black & white versus a spectrum of color! That’s just perfection!

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 4:31 am

      Thank you, Tara.

      Reply
  6. Susie Kline says

    June 28, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    Paula, thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you had to experience that and at an early age. We know nothing then! It was a defining moment and made you the incredible person you are now.

    Everyone deserves love without judgment. Now we have it.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 4:37 am

      Thanks for commenting, Susie. Although it was painful to my 19-year-old self, I am glad things unfolded the way they did. It’s a much longer story than one blog post can cover, but I marvel at the attitudes in our small town back then vs now – back at that time teenagers who were lesbian or gay really did not have adults with whom they could find acceptance. He still lives (and teaches) there, and I know he has made a difference.

      Reply
  7. Susan Mazza says

    June 29, 2015 at 7:22 am

    Powerful Paula! And when we take things personally that aren’t we lose our power, especially our power to make a difference.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 7:27 am

      Thank you, Susan. Those five words made a huge difference for me.

      Reply
  8. Nancy Nix O'Farrell says

    June 29, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Beautifully expressed, as always. I love your calm, but firm, commitment to the issues you discuss in your blog. Our country could use a dose of that calm.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 9:17 am

      Thank you, Nancy.

      Reply
  9. Lisa Romeo says

    June 29, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Oh, that *bandwagon* comment! I’ve heard variations of it too, in different situations, as in…why do you care, it’s not as if you are gay/ black / poor / without healthcare, etc…. I fully endorse taking back our own FB pages. My own gay “education” began in the world of horse shows, continued among writers, and then among my own extended family, so like you, I learned as I went along, everything /everyone teaches us something. Nice post.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 9:42 am

      Thank you, Lisa. I think the thing that made me scratch my head about the bandwagon comment in particular was the implication that I had hopped on just because it was the “in cause” of the day — it gave me a great deal of food for thought. The individual doesn’t know me well, granted, but it still made gave me pause ….

      Reply
  10. Joe Cardillo says

    June 29, 2015 at 9:28 am

    That’s lovely Paula. Having a personal stake in understanding and working on something sure beats the op/ed culture loop.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 9:43 am

      Thank you, Joe, and I agree …

      Reply
  11. Carla says

    June 29, 2015 at 9:35 am

    The wedge let the light in is the most beautiful beautiful turn of phrase.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 29, 2015 at 9:43 am

      Thank you, Carla.

      Reply
  12. Ali TwentyEight Lambert says

    June 29, 2015 at 11:36 am

    I loved reading this! And I echo the sentiment that was shared by a very good friend.
    “Supreme Court is charged with interpreting the U.S. Constitution, not the Bible. The Court is not asked to discern God’s will, or what constitutes ethical or moral behavior for Christians. Likewise, Christians do not determine their morals from public opinion polls.”

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 29, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      Thank you, Ali.

      Reply
  13. 1010ParkPlace says

    June 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Simply wonderful!!

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 29, 2015 at 2:31 pm

      Thank you.

      Reply
  14. Rena McDaniel says

    June 29, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    I’ve gotten some of the same reaction on my feed as well but, I am proud to say that because I chose to color my profile my nephew felt the courage to finally come out to his family. His father passed away quite a few years ago so we don’t see him often. When he was little we were very close. It was so wonderful that he felt safe enough to finally tell us because he knew we would accept him.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 29, 2015 at 8:35 pm

      He must feel like the weight of the world is off his shoulders. Thank you for sharing (and commenting).

      Reply
  15. Rob Biesenbach (@RobBiesenbach) says

    June 30, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Just read this, Paula. Very powerful!

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger says

      June 30, 2015 at 10:37 am

      Thank you, Rob.

      Reply
  16. Ann says

    June 30, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Goosebumps. Well said Paula. Thanks for sharing this. One of the things I like about this is the knowledge that you “got there.” I am so sick of the word bigot for anyone who is not “on the bandwagon” yet, because truthfully I believe they are not there yet and calling them names will not lead them there. We all get to our beliefs when we get to them and they almost always come from personal experience. I got that when I realized my BIL and SIL were both gay and I loved them so much there was no way I wouldn’t be joining on that bandwagon. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      June 30, 2015 at 5:22 pm

      So true, Ann, and thanks for sharing. I agree with you that name calling and casting aspersions on those who are not “on the bandwagon” (or whatever) is so very counterproductive.

      Reply
  17. Leslie says

    July 5, 2015 at 2:09 am

    Wow! Your post is touching. Some of my best friends are gay & lesbian. They said it took them awhile to figure out how to live their lives as they truly wanted. I love them for being themselves.

    Reply
    • Paula Kiger (Big Green Pen) says

      July 5, 2015 at 8:59 am

      Thank you, Leslie. Your friends are fortunate to have your friendship and love!

      Reply

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