Curiosity, Generosity, A Tear or Two – Achieving Midlife Goals

Here’s something that is hazy in my future plan that needs to be much, much clearer: the status of the book I haven’t written.

Here’s something that was crystal clear when I was talking about that stalled dream when talking with Caytha Jentis and Artist Thornton about disrupting myths about aging (for example: at a certain age you shouldn’t bother trying to write a book): the way they vigorously shook their heads in disagreement that it is too late. (See for yourself at the 0:22 mark in this video.)

Besides the incredible bond the three of us developed over a few emails/Facebook messages/test videos and the actual video here, I gained several takeaways that apply both to my book-writing goal and to this stage of my life in general.

Don’t Underestimate the Power of Curiosity

Curiosity is one of the qualities Caytha mentioned during our talk. She’s right. I’m sure that’s one of the factors that led her to produce movies and create The Other F Word (check it out on The Girlfriend!).

One of the mental barriers I have had (ridiculous as it is) to writing this book is this: I envision it as an Unbroken-type book: meticulously researched yet beautifully told. I doubt my research skills (but feel I could take a crack at the beautiful telling part….). My internal dialogue has been for years “but you can’t do it like Laura Hillenbrand.”

A bit of reading led me to find out that (voila!) Laura Hillenbrand has succeeded wildly as a writer by being curious, even though her health limitations made it difficult to do field study of her topics. A Flavorwire article about her approach, How ‘Unbroken’s’ Laura Hillenbrand Writes Her Epic Nonfiction, says this:

What you need is endless curiosity…

Rejection is Inevitable, But How Crazy is it When We Reject Ourselves?

Caytha has experienced her share of rejection in the challenging world of production. Artist is making a go of it in a competitive New York restaurant scene with his place, SpaHa Soul. Neither industry is exactly gentle on dreamers.

“If you don’t try, you already have rejection,” said Caytha (i.e., what do you have to lose from trying?). That led me to say “you’re essentially rejecting yourself.” I’ve done my share of that and I don’t recommend it, people.

Cry, then move on

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was the segment about overcoming obstacles. When I asked Caytha about that, I expected her to say something along the lines of “I overcame them because I’m a badass!” yet her first response was “I cry.”

I can’t say I cry over rejection but I do something equally destructive and insidious: tell myself “of course you didn’t [insert goal here] because clearly the other people who do that are better. Really, why did you even try?”

However, beyond the crying is the boxing match. You heard me right: the boxing match.

via GIPHY

Embrace rejection and look at it as a boxing match, Caytha said: go the full round. Not every idea is to be executed — that’s valid. I had a business plan and had to be crafty and find ways to make things happen. Once I went to midlife bloggers, figured out there was an audience, learned how to engage them and tapped into the power of working together as entrepreneurs, it’s like we become part of a larger thing — squaring not doubling – it’s how we become strong and viable.

Be generous

This is my personal soapbox and I will espouse this viewpoint/approach, always (even though I execute it imperfectly). During our discussion on Facebook live, we talked about how we tend to be more generous by this stage in our lives; we have figured out that is where the true power lies.

I will admit this is a struggle for me, because my competitive nature is always right under the surface, sometimes undetectable, and the insecurities that plague many of us lead me to worry about losing out on many opportunities, employment-wise and life-wise, I know that ultimately lifting others up always lifts us up too.

(The Facebook Live I share above is a perfect example of that. I sought out many other people in the process of looking for someone to participate in a FB live about midlife and busting myths. I specifically wanted to make sure LGBT issues were addressed. While I certainly accept the fact that some people just didn’t get back to me at all — we are all bombarded with “opportunities” and can’t do everything, I am giddy with happiness that Caytha and Artist said yes, even though it was a little crazy figure out how to get three people on a FB live at once (thank you, BeLive.tv, for making it happen). These are the people I was meant to do this with, and their generosity of spirit showed throughout the whole thing.)

Back to Laura Hillenbrand

I’m glad I found the article I referenced above, which links to a longer New York Times Magazine piece. Reading about Laura Hillenbrand helps me realize that there is no “one perfect way” to write a book. When her illness forced her to stay home almost exclusively, she had items brought to her so she could understand them (such as World War II bombing artifacts).

I love the idea in the Flavorwire article that Hillenbrand “excels in a particular sort of intimacy, and that intimacy drags you into the story.” It’s certainly one of the many qualities that led me to love Seabiscuit and (primarily) Unbroken — which tied in my love of the running community and Louis Zamperini’s heroic story as well as the World War II theme.

She wrote her book. Her way. With intensive effort and creative workarounds. Maybe this is possible for me also.

Keep Dreams Alive

Throughout my post and Facebook Live about Disrupting Myths, I’ve used the “keep dreams alive” idea consistently but there’s something about it that never sat perfectly with me. For me, it’s not that the dreams need to be kept alive (because they just won’t die….) but that I need to give my dream (the book) structure and priority.

Although I went to great pains in my last blog post on this topic to convince myself that I don’t have to be Laura Hillenbrand to do this (that, in fact, the more important thing is to be *me* with my passion about Camp Gordon Johnston), I was struck by this comment by Jonathan Karp, who bought the rights to Seabiscuit for $100,000 when he was with Random House (extreme diversion to a barely related side note here — I spent a few years as a freelance proofreader for Ballantine Books, which was the Random House paperback imprint at the time).

Anyway, Karp said this: “I keep waiting for somebody to do what Laura did.”

Although doing “what Laura did” needs to be done with my individual touch, maybe once the haze clears, it’ll be me.

Achieving midlife goals

I linked this post to the Kat Bouska site for the prompt “write a blog post based on the word ‘hazy.'”

Achieving midlife goals

The Facebook Live that led to the video I embedded here was done in conjunction with Women Online and AARP. All opinions are my own.

 

 

 

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.

Grab Bag!

As I compose this blog, our nation is transfixed by the crisis occurring in Charlottesville, Virginia, where white nationalist domestic terrorists were protesting; lives were lost, people were injured, and divisions among people in our nation seem (to me) to have only widened.

Wiser and more prominent voices have addressed these events better than I could (but I still have something to say at the end of this post).

In the meantime, I have had several experiences this week — opportunities to pay some social media love forward and opportunities to benefit from people’s generosity (such as the thread Berrak created in LinkedIn for those of us looking for jobs) — and want to share those with you. I call it the “grab bag.”

Online Connections

A vendor who deserves some attention

My sweet and incredible friend Rachel asked us to follow her brother-in-law, Jordan (a/k/a watwoodshop), on Instagram. He makes beautiful cutting boards like this one. According to his Instagram profile, they are $40 and you order by DMing him on Instagram.

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: Follow Jordan’s WatWoodShop on Instagram by clicking here.

A REALLY cute dog who needs followers

I have helped promote Melissa Lamson’s work for the past few years through my responsibilities with Weaving Influence. We were talking the other day about her irresistibly adorable French bulldog, Rocky (bluefrenchierocky), and how Rocky needs more followers on Instagram (okay, to be specific, she wants Rocky to have more followers on Instagram. It’s almost as though she speaks for him!). Here he is:

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: Follow Rocky on Instagram by clicking here.

A fun local Twitter account that issued a challenge

I am admittedly more of a wine person than a beer person BUT I am a sucker for people who love with they do and enjoy making our community a more fun place. As soon as TLHBeerSociety reached 300 followers and challenged the Twitterverse to help get them to 400, I was in!

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: Follow TLH Beer Society on Twitter by clicking here.

An opportunity to commit an act of kindness and help the You Matter Marathon

The You Matter Marathon, where participants share a “you matter” card each day in November, is entering its second year (here’s a look back at last year). The You Matter Marathon has big plans to distribute a million “you matter” cards in November 2017.

The YMM is one of the causes being featured by the Kind Foundation this month. If it earn the most “votes” (votes are generated by people doing acts of kindness), it will be rewarded with $10,000! (printing and postage add up when the goal is a million cards.)

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: Do an act of kindness and help the You Matter Marathon earn a vote; click here for details.

An opportunity to support a worthy candidate for political office

My incredible friend Nicolette is running for Orange County Commission District 4. It’s a non-partisan seat. She’s running (in my opinion) for all the right reasons, but a campaign for public office is neither low-stress nor low-budget.

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: If you live in Nicolette’s district (Orange County District 4), vote for her (or at least vote). Whether or not you live in the district, use this link to donate if you are so inclined. (AND, if you are local to me in Tallahassee, support the Women Can Run event — I know they would appreciate scholarship donations too.)

I know some MidLifers Who Need Millennials and Vice Versa

I am excited to be participating in the Bridging the Gap campaign this fall; the campaign pairs Midlife women with Millennial women in an effort to “bring the ‘over the hill’ wall down.” Each partner will do a blog post featuring the other. I have a feeling lots of new friendships will be forged!

Online Connections

Here’s what to do: I am in preliminary discussions with two millennial bloggers to be my partner, but I am not positive either will pan out. If you are a millennial blogger (you have to have a blog and a public Instagram account) interested in participating, let me know! (Even if I have a partner already, I am happy to try to introduce you to a midlife blogger in search of a partner.)

My Personal Requests

Although I always say I blog to flex my writing muscle, I’d be lying if I said comments don’t matter! I was so fascinated by the story of Moss H. Kendrix, who I blogged about recently, and would love to get a few more eyes on it (and comments!). Here’s the link.

I am also still searching for additional part-time work (from 1:00 until (?) every day). It might be virtual, it might be somewhere in Tallahasssee. It might be writing/editing, it might be something completely different (I love providing stellar customer service). If you have any leads, send them my way! (And thank you to those who already have.) Here’s a link with more info.

What’s In It For You?

My main hope is that some deserving people (and dogs!) get followed, some worthy causes supported. To up the ante on that, I’ll treat one of you to coffee at Starbucks (via a $5 gift code)! Honor system — you don’t have to tell me who/what you supported, just that you did. You can also earn an entry by leaving a comment with your recommendation for who/what my readers and I should follow/support.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Back to Charlottesville, Unfortunately

I do believe that there are voices more wise and prominent than mine, as I said in this post’s introduction, BUT here’s what I want to say:

White privilege and racism are real and alive in our country today. I’ve written about white privilege here and how my views about how #BlackLivesMatter evolved here.

As I said on my Facebook wall earlier (slightly modified here), the actions we can take in response to racism are myriad. Some of them DO involve public statements, speeches, blogs, and overtures. Others involve much more tiny, yet influential, choices: speaking up when you’re in a conversation and someone says something that denigrates another race/gender/status, giving $5 or 5 minutes to a cause (such as Being Black at School or Equality Florida) that helps support the very difficult work of overcoming racism (and yes, dismantling the inequities that white privilege has created).

Let’s not leave our fellow human beings holding the bag on this.

Online Connections

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.

Taking a Stand for Our Future

Social Security Advocacy

My level of worry about retirement financing is high.

I left a job of 20 years voluntarily in 2014, ready to “find my bliss.” Within three weeks my father-in-law moved in with us due to his health issues and bliss-finding was put aside. As we adjusted to a new normal of being a one-income family, I chipped away at my 403B until there was very little left.

I am responsible in many ways for the conditions that led to my elevated worry level, but it “is what it is” and I now have to plan for the future. If this chart is reliable, I can expect to live to be 80.8 years old. That’s approximately 30 more years in which I have to find resources to live on.

How Will Social Security Factor In?

I have been working since I was 16 (shout out to Spires IGA, my first official job), and I have been dutifully paying into Social Security ever since. Currently, 9.3 million of my fellow Floridians are paying into Social Security too.

Here in Florida:

The average benefit check is approximately $1,240 per month.

Of those receiving benefits, 27.2% rely on Social Security for 90% or more of their household income and 51.6% rely on it for 50% or more of their income.

While my spouse has State of Florida retirement, I will probably outlive him (he is six years older than me) and need the reassurance that in addition to any residual benefit I get from his retirement, Social Security will still be there for me. Any reduction, especially the 25% reduction that could become a reality unless our Senators and Representatives act, is a problem. Details below:

Social Security Advocacy

It’s Not Just About Me

Florida is home to more than 4,114,745 Social Security beneficiaries.

$56 billion comes in to Florida each year for Social Security payments.

Every $1 received generates $2.10 of economic output.

A strong Social Security program benefits the Florida economy as a whole. 

Social Security Is Not Prepared for the 21st Century

If our Presidential candidates, Senators, and Representatives do not act, Social Security faces a nearly 25% benefit cut in 2034, as I mentioned above (a bit more detail below also).

Social security needs to be updated for the 21st Century.

AARP’s Take A Stand

AARP has launched Take A Stand, a national campaign to press the presidential candidates to lead on Social Security and give voters real answers about how they’ll keep it strong for future generations. If our leaders don’t act, future retirees could face an automatic benefit cut of nearly 25 percent every year, after 2034 (source: The 2016 Social Security Trustees Report).

If a 25 percent cut went into effect today, it would reduce seniors’ income, push more Floridians into poverty, and reduce money available for basic needs like food, healthcare and utilities.

The Best Places To Do Your Research

Take a Stand, which is nonprofit and nonpartisan, is working hard to help us get educated about each candidate’s position on Social Security.

At the Take a Stand Site you can:

  • Research each presidential candidate’s Social Security-related platform
  • Explore the Congressional Action Chart
  • Watch video clips of candidates addressing Social Security Issues

You can follow Take a Stand on Facebook here and on Twitter here.

We don’t want to be left hanging; it’s up to us to elect the candidates who will advocate to keep Social Security strong, for us and for future generations.

Social Security Advocacy

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.

A Series for Women Like Me: The Other F Word

Midlife Women

This post is sponsored by “The Other F Word.” All opinions are my own.

It’s official. I have now watched my first Amazon Streaming series. It’s a running joke among my friends, and documented in my Spin Sucks inquisition, that I am a streaming video late adopter. Very late. But there’s hope, and in this case hope begins with an “F word.”

The Other F Word

I was recently introduced to The Other F Word, a comedic coming-of-age series about four women friends who deal with the highs and lows of mid-life as they reinvent themselves now that their kids are grown. In this case, the other F word(s) are “Forty” and “Fifty.”

Midlife Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

One sentiment throughout this series is one I keep thinking about as I forge ahead into my 50s: this isn’t exactly what I thought life would be at this point. Not that I’m not grateful, but reality has a way of throwing curveballs at you. The women of The Other F Word get their own curveballs, including:

  • A husband who dies at his wife’s skydiving 50th birthday party
  • A husband who says “you may need to get a REAL job now, and I don’t mean Pampered Chef”
  • A husband who suddenly decides to leave his job (and his country) to do Peace Corps-type work abroad for a year

This Series is Relatable

The entertainment industry’s track record on diversity has not been stellar (click here for an example about lack of diversity in television). Creator Caytha Jentis started down the path to bringing The Other F Word to life when she asked, “why are there no tv shows about us?” She’s right! (Hear more from Caytha in this Writer/Director statement.)

I love how the character Amy has actual laugh lines on her face. As a fellow midlifer, I see beauty in those laugh lines, not lack of attractiveness. She’s like me: imperfect but trying to figure life out.

I love how the characters’ children act like the college-age children I know. They love sentimental actions (like Amy cooking her special chicken parm for her son and his roommate). They ask for money. They have jobs we don’t understand (social solutionist anyone?). The version of their relationship truth they tell about their love lives is, um, “sanitized” for parental ears.

I’m not sure the college age children would have a clue what goes on with mom (and dad) when the chicken parm congeals and the “bills” to pay the rent that came to fast are spent. Watch Episode 8 where Amy, Orly, Trish, and Diane play “never have I ever” and you’ll see what I mean!

The Other F Word Trailer from The Other F Word on Vimeo.

This series is real …. about the emotions we feel and the consequences we face in our forties and fifties. Marry your college boyfriend and stay home with the kids? Your monogamous faithfulness and dedication may leave you lonely and unprepared for the request “well show me your CV if you need help finding a job.” Choose to get involved with a much-younger man in a relationship “with a shelf life” and you may find yourself without a suitable “plus one” at a theatre industry function. These women laugh, drink, nurture, write, create, earn, cry, take risks, have sex, and through it all manage to face their fears and have fun.

Find The Other F Word For Yourself!

You can watch all eight episodes on Amazon by clicking this link.

Visit the website of The Other F Word by clicking here:

Find The Other F Word on Facebook here.

Tweet With The Other F Word’s team on Twitter here.

What Is YOUR Midlife F Word?

Forties.

Fifties.

Is there an “F” word you would associate with your life currently?

This series combines “fun” and “fear” (as in, overcoming it), “friendship,” and “fur” (there’s a dog, Max …. he’s really cute and plays a pivotal role!).

For me, the “F” word of my fifties may in fact be “fragmented” – as a wife, mom, friend, worker, volunteer, and caregiver for my father in law, it rarely feels like I have it all together. Thanks, The Other F Word, for four new relatable friends!

Midlife Women

Trish is mirroring her daughter’s coursework to “help” her. My kids don’t need to get any ideas from this!

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.