Aging is Not a Hammer

How hard did aging hit you?

This is the wording of the latest social media challenge making the rounds. The wording is accompanied by a Facebook user’s collage containing their first-ever profile picture and their most recent.

I resisted at first, partially because it is impossible to make my original picture and my current picture symmetrical (the 2007 picture of Tenley and me is taken from a distance; my current profile picture is a headshot). I still shared it on Instagram, but the inability to make the two images symmetrical was a hurdle.

The other hurdle? I am not a fan of the challenge’s name. 

“How hard did aging hit you?” makes it sound as though we are at the mercy of aging. I also almost physically recoil at the imagery related to “hitting.”

First, Here’s What I Think

It’s not that aging doesn’t bring hits

I’ve had my share of adversity as I have grown older. I suspect anyone could say the same thing. Wayne’s job loss (twice), my mom’s death, the consequences of making financial decisions that turned out to be poor choices.

For all the pain, every one of those “hits” have been a part of making me better and forcing new growth. Wayne’s job loss made us communicate differently as a couple. My mom’s death brought priorities into sharp relief. Poor financial decisions made me be crystal clear to my kids about what to look out for in their spending decisions as young adulthood approached.

The work world has changed, and I refuse to take an “I’m a victim of being “hit” mentality into my career path

I am a mid-life person and have started a career in a new (to me) profession. I have been involved in the profession (editing/writing) on a freelance basis and as a pastime for most of my career. (In addition, my co-workers from Healthy Kids would no doubt argue that my tendency to edit everything gave me away.)

The work world is changing. People don’t stay in their positions as long as they used to. Offices are literally structured differently, and more people (such as me) work 100% from home. People communicate in less direct ways (most of my communication is by email and Slack).

I have had peers lose opportunities because they “couldn’t keep up.” I don’t want to be blind to my shortcomings, but I will fight hard to be well-versed on changes in technology and work life. These are not things people who have caved to being “hit” are willing or able to do.

Life is so much broader than pictures from the beginning of Facebook until now can communicate

Most of these “first profile pictures” come from 2007 (or so). And this is a non-scientific observation, but most of the participants are women. The number of men chiming in when I asked about this on Facebook was tiny. And one of them pointed out how military service had shaped him. Not that people aren’t still serving in the military, but the period of time covered by Facebook’s existence just doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of life’s influence on our evolution. There’s more to life (looking at you, people who survived Vietnam) than our children’s prom pictures and our travelogues (not that those aren’t great!).

The Reveal

Here’s the version that is true to the challenge – first profile picture (2007 at Xanadu in NYC) and most recent (headshot by Debby Stubing).

Aging is not a hammer

Now, Here’s What My Wise Friends Think

I asked my friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter for a substitute for the “being hit” imagery.

Aging is not a hammer

Here’s their hivebrain response:

“A potter’s wheel. Being guided and shaped from the inside and the outside over time. Sometimes breaking under weak spots when life spins out of control, but rebuilt with careful attention to be stronger in those areas.”

“Aging Disgracefully”

“Aging is a beautiful thing when you do it with health and a really good dose of wisdom.”

“Aging isn’t hitting me at all. It’s more like massaging me gently towards the inevitable grave.”

“Chicken or egg? Do we tell ourselves we are getting older & feel that way or, depending on one’s health, it happens. It happens. But it can happen if we are young, middle-aged or older. I like how poet @maggiesmithpoet writes each day: ‘keep moving.'”

“Evidence of a life lived”

“For a while I was annoyed that I hadn’t planned for a life that lasted so long. But I’d have to admit that’s better than planning for a long life and not getting one.”

“… hey, I’m 10 years older”

“How far I’ve come…” and “flourished”

“How has life shaped you?” would be better…

“How I have been refined…”

“…how many wonderful memories you have made between these two pictures!”

“I am wiser”

““If we’re lucky, we’ll all get old. — Mom”

“I’m a good single barrel whiskey that’s been aged to perfection. The older the whiskey ages, the more it’s worth and enjoyed…”

“Less as a sledgehammer and more like a woodcarver’s chisel. Time and experiences shape us. But it also grows us in new ways, like a tree grows around damage or obstacles.”

“…like being a teenager all over again. A blank palette. What are you going to do with your life?”

“Living life unfiltered!”

“Maybe like the patina on copper? Or weathered wood?”

“Natural wisdom, growing beautiful, enlightenment of inner peace and knowledge”

“Older, wiser and healthier. How I took better care of myself for this thing called life.”

Reducing a sauce down to increase flavor and strength!”

“…runaway steamroller”

Seasoning. Maturing. Becoming. Thriving.”

“Slide down a sometimes bumpy hill. Leaves you bruised and confused.”

“Sweet caress of a mother? Gentle head pat from Father Time?”

“…the current state is much better”

The ‘look I’ve changed over time and I’m supposed to be devastated challenge'”

“We don’t age, we just get better, like a fine wine.”

My friend Stacy said, 

In the process I’ve birthed and raised two kids, co-authored a book, written hundreds of articles, earned a good living, turned my marriage into an even more deeply satisfying partnership and stood up loudly and proudly for things that matter the most to me.

A handful of pictures don’t tell that story and never will. I have wrinkles and fat in places I’d rather not. I have bags under my eyes and a double chin. My breasts are baby chewed and my backside rather more spread out than it was when I was who I was so long ago.

I also have memories that of a life that, while not always as well lived as I have liked, has meaning and value.

No challenge can tell that extremely important truth nor can any comparison pictures tell the honest truths of our authentic lives.

 

As for me, I lean toward the image of a glassblower’s torch, transforming something that already had potential into a more beautiful sculpture, demonstrating a few imperfections, some sharp edges, and more nuanced curves than it had before.

Lastly, I’ll let my smart and insightful friend, Caroline, have the final word.

Aging is Not a Hammer

 

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.

Keeping Dreams Alive

I only know of one way to physically become younger. Sorry to break it to you all, but it’s pretty complicated, involves significant risk, entails a significant selection process, and only happens to people named Scott Kelly.

Scott Kelly is an American astronaut who started his 11-month stint on the International Space Station in 2015 as an individual six minutes younger than his twin brother. He came back six minutes and 13 milliseconds younger because, as Kelly explains, “my telomeres, basically these things at the end of our chromosomes that shorten with stress and age, actually ended up longer than Mark’s.”

Mark and Scott Kelly
Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Becoming younger isn’t an option, so am I going to keep feeling young?

Participants in a British study reported a self-perceived age of 56.8 years even though their chronological age was 65.8 years. The same study found that participants who felt between 8 and 13 years older than their chronological ages had an 18-25% greater risk of death over the study periods.

I don’t know about you, but it’s easy to let small ideas erode our sense of wellbeing nudge that perceived age upwards. The thing is, some of these small ideas that grow into large threats are not even true! They are myths, and they deserve to be busted.

Here are a few examples, courtesy of the bloggers participating in the #DisruptAging campaign:

Bren Herrera, reminding us it’s never too late to do what we’re missioned for.

Lisa Leslie-Williams, the Domestic Life Stylist, who shared that your best health doesn’t have to be behind you.

Laura Funk of We Got the Funk and her take down of common misperceptions about early menopause, such as it must mean a woman is aging more rapidly.

What if you have a big (really big!) dream? Is it too late?

Many of you who know me or have read the blog know that I want to write a book about Camp Gordon Johnston. I’ll admit to the voices in my head nibbling away at my confidence about that (they mainly say “you’re no Laura Hillenbrand” (I love her writing and research)) while I know that the world doesn’t need another Laura Hillenbrand. The world (and the legacy of Camp Gordon Johnston) needs me (okay that sounds egotistical — but my point is other people besides Laura Hillenbrand can do this story justice. She should be my model, not my barrier.

Join me for a myth-busting Facebook Live!

Thursday, July 26, at noon ET, I’m going to be chatting with two people who are making their dreams happen. They can encourage all of us. My friend Caytha created the awesome series The Other F Word, which was just picked up by The Gilfriend. And Artist Thornton has opened his own restaurant. In “world’s colliding” moment, here’s a scene from Caytha’s show in which you can meet Artist at his restaurant, SpaHa Soul.

Join us Thursday; we’d love to hear what myths you’re trying to bust and support each other as we knock them down (or get started at least!).

Keeping dreams alive

 

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.