About Paula Kiger

Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many.

Why Our #MeAt14 Stories Matter

I didn’t jump to post a #MeAt14 picture/story when the trend started. My story is not dissimilar to so many of the interactions that have been recounted.

The logic that finally got me to post was this: younger women (and I have a 21-year-old daughter, so that’s a factor) need to hear these stories. They need to know that women they have looked up to as invincible (this is a link to Diana Nyad’s incredible account) have faced down episodes in their lives that invaded their privacy, physically and psychologically. They need to know what we would have done differently in order to stand up to sexual harassment in their own lives.

Sexual Harassment

#MeAt14 (I guess the “band geek” part goes without saying?)

My Story(ies)

Incident #1

The first incident for me happened when I was 13 and a trusted male adviser in a fraternal group kissed me repeatedly against my will.

Incident #2

The second incident happened when I was a college freshman. Unlike Incident #1, it happened in a room full of other people. A trusted (and revered, at the time) male professor groped me.

What I would tell a girl/young woman to do if Incident #1 or Incident #2 happened to them:

Incident #1

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Whether you’ve spent one hour or 100 with a particular adult, trust your gut when they put their hands on you (or their tongue in your mouth).

MOVE TO A PUBLIC PLACE. Due to my ceremonial role in the organization, I was outside of the room where the meeting was taking place. I could have put an end to the situation by a) telling him to stop and b) OPENING THE DAMN DOOR. That would have violated some sacred obligation of our fraternal order, but some situations warrant breaking the rules.

TELL SOMEONE. As I’ve written repeatedly, the fact that my parents believed me made all the difference (and the fact that they created an environment where I could tell them in the first place).

Incident #2:

Many of the same recommendations as Incident #1, but with a few twists.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. One of the biggest challenges of sexual harassment (and something perpetrators probably rely on and are incentivized by) is the “shock” factor. It takes split second instincts to realize what is happening and adjust mentally to the loss of trust (if the perpetrator is someone you know already). I didn’t have that at 17.

SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE INDIVIDUAL. I’m honestly not sure (still) whether to say “confront the individual publicly by saying ‘Get your hands off me'” or to tell you to retain any facts you can (who else was present? what exactly happened?) so that you can recount it later. But get away — that part is a definite.

TELL SOMEONE. Tell someone, but do your research. I went to a Vice President who seemed to me the appropriate choice, since the circumstances of the incident’s occurrence were academic in nature. Unfortunately he had a relationship with the perpetrator — as his brother in law. I’ve never known what transpired after I left the vice president’s office.

OTHER THOUGHTS

Like many other women who have a #MeToo story or a #MeAt14 story, I have spent the last few weeks bouncing from resignation as the sheer quantities of stories rolled in to mobilization (a better choice than resignation, by the way!).

I recognize that many of the current allegations and descriptions of incidents that sometimes date back several decades have to wind their way through the legal system. I guess it is possible that people sometimes claim to be victims for reasons that are self-motivated and aren’t true.

But we don’t tell our stories to have attention focused on us (I don’t anyway). It’s really the last thing I care to discuss anymore. We do it to keep other people from being victimized, to try to renew our confidence in the fact that there are people in the world truly worthy of our trust.

I want my daughter and every young woman out there to trust their instincts, have a plan if sexual harassment happens to them, and have a way to address the issue publicly (and legally).

(I also want my son to stand up for the women in his life if/when he witnesses or hears about them being subject to harassment.This post is mostly about my perspective as a woman but men definitely have a place in changing the tide of this issue in our country (and world)).

If you have a #MeToo or #MeAt14 story that has lain dormant for years, eroding your happiness and making you question whether it makes a difference to share it, I give you my support (and an ear if you need it). I also encourage you to seek counseling to work through any lingering effects.

Sexual Harassment

I recently ran across this picture of my boyfriend at the time, me, and the professor who groped me (now deceased). My body language makes sense in retrospect.

Sexual Harassment

Five Minute Friday: EXCUSE

Welcome to this week’s Five Minute Friday. Our instructions, via creator Kate Motaung: “Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.”

Today’s prompt: EXCUSE

Five Minute Friday

I don’t like excuses, not one bit.

I had a therapist briefly in college —- it was my first time having therapy of any kind. One of her big observations is “you make everything hard.” As in — you seem to find an excuse for everything not working out the way you want.

That particular conversation probably carries more weight in my head 35 years later than it really deserves.

Maybe it’s a chicken and egg thing. I think I’m the kind of person who embraces “hard” but I also know I make things unduly difficult.

One of my part-time jobs is very exacting (my kind of thing!). But as human beings do, I make errors sometimes. One thing this job has done (and the development of Dad’s passing had something to do with this too) is that it has made me be more diligent about getting to bed (I’m sure my coworker who “chatted” with me online when she was starting work in Jerusalem and I was “still” up/not in bed in the US at a previous job would chuckle at this.

It’s near impossible to be careful with language when you’re exhausted.

And the next step will be managing my time even better to fit in the things I want to do. To write, to submit to places that will pay me to write, to (gasp!) clean the house (well, given our soon-to-list status, to declutter the house).

Excuse me for a moment while I go make a plan….

Five Minute Friday

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday linkup.

Thanksgiving 2017: A Little Cheering Section for Caregivers

November is National Family Caregivers Month and Thanksgiving is almost here! That means it is time, for the third year, to create tokens of appreciation for the caregivers at Tallahassee’s Elder Day Stay. (Here’s a look back at Year One and Year Two.)

Caregiver Support

Why does it matter to say “thank you” in this small way to caregivers?

Caregiving is Expensive

The costs of home, community, and facility care of elder family members has increased over the past year. According to Genworth Financial, the national median daily rate of Adult Day Health Care (providing social and support services in a community-based, protective setting) is $70, a 2.94% change since 2016 and a five-year annual growth rate of $2.79%.

Caregiving is Messy

I have grown to hate (or at least to try to tune out) most advertising around the caregiving options for elderly family members. The sweet grandma reading a story to an attentive grandchild, the sentimental music playing in the background as families gaze lovingly upon one another, the clean, seemingly chaos-free homes.

That wasn’t the case for us, and I doubt many caregiving families could relate to a situation that doesn’t involve bodily fluids, mystery smells, and stains of undetermined origin. This post lists several reasons elderly people lose momentum in the hygiene department, including depression, control (definitely a factor for us), and the fact that their senses have dimmed so much that they may not see or smell their deteriorating physical state.

(That’s why I always include hand sanitizer in the appreciation tokens — we should own stock we went through so much of it.)

Caregiving is Important, Minimally Rewarded Work

According to GoodTherapy.org, “Thirty-five percent of caregivers find it difficult to make time for themselves, while 29% have trouble managing stress, and another 29% report difficulty balancing work and family issues.”

One small token of appreciation can’t reverse the challenges created by caregiving, BUT it can remind the people doing this important work that they are not forgotten, and that their needs are recognized.

And since I like keeping it real, let’s throw in one more toilet reference. When I was looking for a great quote with which to end this post, I found (ta-da!) a rising toilet seat. It is not only elevated (we had that) BUT it has little (okay, maybe not so little — they say they handle up to 450 pounds) “lifters” that help the elderly person get up from the toilet without a human caregiver helping them. It’s one “uplifting” item in their world that quite literally DOES lift them up.

Giving these Thanksgiving tokens is a little bit like that — a small lift that lightens one small fragment of a caregiver’s day.

If You Want to Help

I got a late start this year (and I don’t have caregiving to blame!), so I am still finalizing a few details regarding how many caregivers there will be this year, but I’m working from an assumption of “50” and I’ll come in and update as things get refined.

Here’s what I hope to include:

A Sharpie (the participants at adult day stay mark their belongings with Sharpie).

Hand sanitizer (remember the “messy” paragraph above?)

A candy bar (everyone deserves a treat!)

If you’re local and can help, let me know. If you’re not local, and want to contribute, feel free to send donations via Paypal to opuswsk @ aol.com with the notation “Thanksgiving 2017.”

I invite you to help me be part of the “little cheering section” for a deserving group of caregivers.

Caregiver Support

I am linking this post up to Mama’s Losin’ It this week — for the prompt “Write a blog post inspired by the word: messy.” (Also – pro tip – if you’re a cat lover, visit Kat’s post about her foster kittens. So cute!)

Five Minute Friday: SILENCE

Welcome to this week’s Five Minute Friday. Our instructions, via creator Kate Motaung: “Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.”

Today’s prompt: SILENCE

Five Minute Friday

Do we ever get to the point that we overcome our tendency to silence when our mental wheels are flying and we actually do have something constructive to say?

I’m pretty familiar with all the research about introverts …. and the fact that we like to (need to?) process internally before speaking externally.

I don’t have any problem speaking spontaneously if given a topic. It’s one of the reasons I enjoyed Table Topics (2-minute impromptu speeches) at Toastmasters.

It’s when my rep is on the line, when I am being challenged for something I did or did not do, that I don’t speak up.

It’s probably why I like to write. It’s probably why I blog.

But silence in these situations does not equal power, sadly.

Contradicting most of what I wrote above (or maybe complementing it) is my constant filtering of how overly defensive I feel in any number of situations.

I will be silent instead of giving that defensiveness life or breath (except to people who know me really well, so thanks to you people with the patient ears and accepting psyches).

Silence is not weakness, exactly. It’s more of an atrophy of the impetus to take care of what we need to express. It’s like a drawbridge always stuck in the up position, keeping anything from crossing.

Five Minute Friday

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday linkup.

Five Takeaways from a Daily Writing Challenge

The “31 days of 5-minute free writes” October challenge has come and gone. Among other things, I never really got consistent about “31” or “Thirty-one,” “5-minute, “five-minute,” or “five minute,” but at least I was consistent about my writing commitment.

This is what occurs to me after 155 accumulated minutes of writing:

I like pondering a concept in advance of writing about it.

I got involved in the October challenge due to my affiliation with the Five Minute Friday community. Typically, there is not much time between learning the FMF prompt and writing to it. With this challenge, I had all 31 prompts from Day One.

Writing Challenge Survival

Although I like spontaneously responding to a prompt, it also shaped my month to be reflecting on concepts like truth, brave, and connect in advance.

I like changing things up.

It didn’t take long after the challenge began for me to start thinking of novel approaches. There was the day I handwrote my response, for example. Then the day I spent the five minutes verbally presenting my contribution via Facebook live (and then transcribing it — I speak much more rapidly than I type — that day’s entry was roughly double the length of any other).

I also found I needed (wanted?) to have a fresh, novel image for each day. Although I had created an image that I planned to be the “hallmark” image of the series, I hardly  used it. For one thing, I wanted something different to populate every day when I posted the piece of the day to social media.

Writing Challenge Survival

I may have gotten dependent on images.

This is truly a concern of mine — one that the challenge didn’t dispel.

I can think of very few posts I have written in the past several years that I didn’t somehow anchor with an image. Now, there’s nothing wrong with images, but I believe one of the goals of a writer should be to paint a picture with words.

Have I become more of a “look at this pink flower — isn’t it pretty?” writer than an “I could almost see the cotton candy fibers spinning into place as I pondered the pink hue of that blossom — even though we were nowhere near a fairground” kind of author?

Obviously the only way to improve my ability to describe with words instead of pictures is to practice. And learn. And have people critique my writing. But writing daily for five minutes at a time made me hyperaware as I scrambled over to Pablo many of the days to whip up a quick image, even if it only distantly related to my topic.

This image for my “follow” prompt, for example, is pretty but what does that leaf have to do with a conversation I had with a former Executive Director of an agency I volunteered at/worked for?

Writing Challenge Survival

People who comment are the best!

Commenting seems to be a dying practice. I read so many great blogs that have very few responses, if any at all. It does take time to comment, but as a writer, I know I appreciate each and every one. Tara of Praying on the Prairie commented on most, if not all, of my posts. It was like a little tiny pat on the back each time I read one of  her affirming notes. Thanks, Tara.

I love writing.

When I took on the challenge, I shared in the introductory post about how I have a goal of cutting down on writing for others for free and trying to secure more paid writing assignments. I couldn’t resist this challenge, though!

I am at a time in my life that I love waking up to start my morning part-time job (thanks, SmartBrief), but waking up to write for five minutes (BEFORE CAFFEINE EVEN) made waking up even better.

Before doing the challenge, I would possibly have argued with you if you had suggested I could put together coherent thought at 5:45 am without the aid of caffeine. But I’m here to tell you I apparently can!

(What I can’t/won’t do, though, is the next frontier: NaNoWriMo — a challenge to write a book in the month of November. The pending house listing, the lack of a clear idea of what I want to write, and a smidgen of fear topped off with a dash of insecurity are all barriers. It won’t happen this November, but that book will happen.)

I found this quote/image when looking for a quote with which to close, and although it is not as overt about writing as some other quotes I saw, this gets most directly at the reason I write and the reason I loved this challenge.

The act of writing (and sharing the writing) keeps me thinking. I suppose I would have “thought” whether I wrote or not, but writing makes me nudge the thinking into the world.

And when the thinking is out in the world, fading away is much less likely.

Writing Challenge Survival

Five Minute Friday: NEED

Welcome to this week’s Five Minute Friday. Our instructions, via creator Kate Motaung: “Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.”

Today’s prompt: NEED

 

 

I already did a five-minute free write this week that included the word “need.” I thought about using it for today, but I am choosing not to.

It was a piece I wrote on Medium, which is where I write when I don’t feel the message is “ready” for my “real blog” or I just need to vent.

The issue? My frustration with a family member who feels differently than I do about our choice to have Dad live with us for three years until he died in July. The family member hasn’t told me this directly, but I have heard it through others.

It was getting me worked up.

The thing is ……. as many other pivotal situations in my life have demonstrated:

THAT FAMILY MEMBER’S OPINION IS ABOUT THAT FAMILY MEMBER, NOT ME.

In choosing to give it energy, I am making it about what I perceive I need out of the situation. That family member’s opinion is exactly that: one person’s opinion.

I was the one with the privilege of caring for Dad for three years, with the challenges and (small) victories of meeting his needs.

Why do we so often feel the compulsion to change others’ opinions when the fact that they express them publicly really isn’t a volley of any kind on their part. It is the equivalent of them firing a blank.

(But writing that piece on Medium was still catharatic, I must say!)

That’s really all that needs to be said.

Five Minute Friday

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday linkup.

155 Big Green Pen Minutes Day Thirty-one: Rest

I am participating in the 31 Days of Free Writes October challenge. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.

Today’s prompt: Rest

Today is the FINAL day of the 31 days of 5-minute free writes challenge, and appropriately enough the final word is “rest.”

Maybe many writers will do this topic in a Genesis-type way (and on the 7th day He rested kind of thing) but this topic, for me, brings up my sporadic and mysterious approach to rest.

I read a mental health post a while back and the author said she had been “stress sleeping,” and I thought “hmmm …… me too (maybe).”

For years (decades really), I prided myself on being able to get through life with very little rest. Take on a freelance project on top of the day job to try to earn money? Check! I can sleep later (?). The choices I made that obligated me to avoid rest in order to fulfill some monetary or status (volunteering) need added up.

And now I can’t get enough.

It helps that we are out of the caregiving phase — I don’t think I ever fully rested while Dad was with us (at night anyway), especially the last year or so when he was prone to wander the house at night and need to be redirected. I am not sure I got any REM sleep that three years (it felt that way anyhow).

I am fairly convinced that some of my fatigue IS physical, not just emotional. I have always, notably, gotten sleepy in meetings, while driving, any time I am not moving around.

But the “stress sleeping” bears some weight too. When I’m asleep it’s the most reliable way to shut my brain down for a bit.

Rest can be very unrestful, it turns out, unless we make our emotional bed once in a while.

Writing Challenge

155 Big Green Pen Minutes Day Thirty: Refine

I am participating in the 31 Days of Free Writes October challenge. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.

Today’s prompt: Refine

What are we going to do about all the books?

This is a question Wayne and I have asked each other multiple times over the last week or two as we prepare to get the house ready to be listed. Although we have ideas (donate to Friends of the Library, etc.), the question sill begs itself.

What are we going to do about all the books?

My non-productive, related answer/thought is: we should have refined our approach to book acquisition long, long ago.

As we were in my son’s old room/our former “extra” room yesterday, going through books (many of which we had stored in a closet), I grew more and more disenchanted with the deluge/accumulation of books.

I really found myself thinking “maybe you shouldn’t write your own book because it will lead someone to be sitting in their extra room in fifteen years, saying “this was a nice book (hopefully) but WHAT DO I DO WITH IT NOW?”

So many books — books we had truly enjoyed, books we had felt compelled to buy but never cracked the cover of, books we had felt obligated to buy (I may have gone to quite a *few* book fairs back in the day and had many friends selling educational books), books we hoped would expand our children’s worlds.

The collection of books certainly tells the Kiger story in a way, though. Parenting books (did those work?), cookbooks, political books and, memorably, the wonderful Eugenia Price books.

This whole house/move process is leading me to wish I could retroactively refine my approach to acquiring things (not just books) and accumulate so many less material items.

Writing Challenge

155 Big Green Pen Minutes Day Twenty-nine: Follow

I am participating in the 31 Days of Free Writes October challenge. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.

Today’s prompt: Follow

When we have gotten used to things being a certain way, then a change is announced, it can be challenging to accept that change, embrace the positive benefits that might result and follow the path to implementing it.

I was talking last night with my friend Randy, who has been the director of the phone counseling hotline that I used to volunteer/work for (in the late 80s) for more than 25 years.

We were talking about ALL the changes — the many information-handling pieces that were strictly paper-based back then that are now handled by computer, the operational revisions, the way staffing and volunteer management has evolved.

I had been at the hotline when we first took on the contract for the Florida AIDS Hotline (again, late 80s). Because I was a compensated backup supervisor, I had to get trained on that hotline and work it. He and I discussed the fact that some volunteers didn’t agree with us taking on the AIDS Hotline (again, late 80s) and left the agency.

I commented that my personal views, and my path to becoming a more committed ally for LGBT individuals was BECAUSE I had to follow instructions and get trained on that hotline.

It turns out that although we should never fail to think critically about the choices ahead of us, *sometimes* following an organizational change is exactly what we need.

Writing Challenge

155 Big Green Pen Minutes Day Twenty-eight: Connect

I am participating in the 31 Days of Free Writes October challenge. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation. (Confession: I *may* not be able to resist spell-checking!)

Today’s prompt: Connect

Look closely at the picture of tweezers above. I got them out to deal with a stray eyebrow hair the other day. I squeezed and squeezed yet nothing happened.

When I looked closely, I realized that the ends, the parts that would need to grasp the errant eyebrow hair in order to extricate it …… DID NOT CONNECT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED TO FORCE THEM TO.

This “totally ineffective tweezer” situation seemed like such a parallel for so many other things in life.

From a distance, without my glasses on, the tweezers looked like any other pair of tweezers (frankly I was amazed to find tweezers at all — we never seem to have them when we need them — same goes for emery boards and fingernail clippers, especially toenail clippers but I digress).

It was when I actually tried to get them to do what they were supposed to do, that they failed.

Are we somehow doing the same thing in our lives? Putting on all the outer appearances so we look like we have it all together but neglecting to maintain the qualities and priorities that help us connect when we most need to?

Because I work from home, and because I will admit I have been more and more hesitant to bother to get ready to leave (something has to be really compelling or downright mandatory to coax me out), I worry that my “connector” bits are getting rusty, that I won’t have enough “foundation” experiences to write about…

…that I’ll end up in an endless loop where I am not connecting enough to grasp anything that matters.

Writing Challenge