Many experts say your blog should be consistent in theme, and no one does that better than Bob Tiede, whose Leading with Questions blog does, in fact, focus on questions almost exclusively.
A recent guest post by Dr. Travis Bradberry detailing 13 Questions That Will Change Your Life especially captured my attention. After reading it, I thought, if I could truly focus on answering these 13 questions for myself, and take action on my candid answers, I could be in a better place emotionally and serve those around me more fully.
Writing about all that could lead to a novel rather than a blog, though, so I am giving myself 100 words per question. Let’s see how that turns out. Or, in the spirit of the “questions” blog, “How will that idea pan out?”
Question 1: How do people see me differently than I see myself?
My Weaving Influence coworkers gave me a “virtual going away party” recently. When Becky asked me if I wanted to record it, I declined. No one participating in a video call (unless it’s with a client) really goes into it prepared to be recorded. I suppose the comments that meant the most were about my patience, my authenticity, and my ability to help visual learners understand concepts. The last is something I have been told periodically over the years, and it usually makes me wonder why I haven’t pursued some type of training responsibilities in my work life.
Question 2: What/Whom did I make better today?
I suppose a flip of this question is to ask every morning, “what/whom can I make better today?” I’m at a pretty funky place about this question right now. Of course I have a commitment to trying to make things around me better, but we can make things worse when we think we are making them better. And my continuing fatigue two months after Dad passed away reminds me that recovery from a life-changing event isn’t immediate. At the risk of sounding selfish, I think I need to put my own oxygen mask on first right now.
Question 3: Am I being true to my values?
My biggest “aha” recently has been around family dinner time (great timing since we’re now an empty nest eh?). When Wayne Kevin’s girlfriend started eating dinner with us more often, we actually started moving the laptops away from the dining room table, he stopped taking his dinner to his room to consume while playing video games, and …. we talked! I may not be able to convince my husband to move his laptop during dinners, but I can do something about ME. I can pay attention to my food and the people at the table again. People matter most.
Question 4: If I achieved all of my goals, how would I feel? What can I do to feel that way as I work to achieve them?
In June, I wrote a post in which I recommitted to having written goals. This question’s reference to “all of my goals” is a pretty broad thing. But baby steps make a difference, and in June I told everyone that I would improve my Spanish, eat better, and move more. I committed to enroll in Berlitz’s online Spanish program, but allowed frugality to stop me. $99 may be a small leap but as of this writing, I am enrolled! ¡Bueno! I committed to eat better and move more. Time to whip up a salad and go for a walk.
Question 5: What haven’t I taken the time to learn about?
From a practical standpoint, it would be in my absolute best interest to learn more about WordPress, especially the back end and coding, so I could be less dependent on others. Next up, also a practical thing: learning to drive a standard transmission. It’s been on my list since we got my son’s car, which is manual. We have had it since November 2015; although he has moved away, the car was here in Tallahassee, the best car in the family, and I was relegated to my older car with the non-functioning air conditioning because I couldn’t drive his.
Question 6: In what areas of my life am I settling?
Life is a balancing act, and I would argue “settling” is sometimes a necessity and not that much of a sacrifice. I love well-tailored clothes and pricier pieces, but with two kids in college and some debt obligations I created for myself, forgoing some fashion fun is not the end of the world to me. I have, though, “settled” for staying put – I haven’t driven hard enough to do some of the overseas traveling I want to do, and that is a harder pill to swallow.
Question 7: What do I want my life to be like in five years?
I would like for my debt to be drastically reduced if not gone. For my daughter to have a career she loves and be personally happy. Ditto for my son. This may sound superficial, but I want my house to be cleaner and I’ve lived with myself long enough to know that means hiring someone to do it. I want less house and more travel. And to be connected with a cause (or causes), with the flexibility to give my time freely and travel to support those causes.
Question 8: What would I do if I wasn’t scared?
This one doesn’t take a hundred words: WRITE THE BOOK.
Question 9: Who has qualities that I aspire to develop?
I have a counterpoint question to this: Why is it so hard to balance the message “you are enough” and “there’s only one you” with the fact that other people’s qualities sometimes lead you to ask “why can’t I be more like [name of awesome person]?” But in the spirit of answering the question: the sales/business/promotion savvy of my former boss, Becky; the “I can move mountains and did” chutzpah of another former boss, Rose Naff. The writing chops of Jodi Picoult, Mark King and Ann Patchett (this list could go on and on…). The humanity of Malala.
Question 10: What problem are we solving?
Given my background in crisis counseling and mental health, I can count on the fingers of my two hands the times I have asked “closed-ended questions” when talking with someone about a problem over the past few decades. I’m also a big believer in finding root causes rather than being distracted by symptoms. In our current tension-fraught times, I would argue that there is a deeper challenge to be resolved than can be managed solely by taking down statues (without having a plan for dialogue and some way to document the context).
Question 11: What’s stopping me from doing the things that I should be doing?
Usually, when I feel “stuck” from making progress toward a goal, I determine to at least take a baby step. While “some progress” is usually a positive, I wonder if it has become a bit of a coping mechanism for me. I could argue that financial challenges are “stopping me” but I am also pretty creative about finding my way around those. I think I am failing to “ask for more” when I could probably get more. I love writing so much I do it for free, but why don’t I take the step of sending more queries for paid projects?
Question 12: Will you be my mentor?
Travis Bradberry says, “Everyone likes being looked up to, and it feels good to share our knowledge with others” in explaining why he recommends having a mentor and why people who are asked rarely turn down the request. This is one I’ll keep thinking about.
Question 13: What’s the most important lesson I’ve learned so far in life? Am I living that lesson?
Almost every day, I think about sitting in the car with Wayne, leaving our neighborhood, and him asking “did you call Ann (his sister)?” We were in the process of buying a townhouse from, her, we had gotten some painting done that was agreed to as part of the process, and he wanted me to let her know. I wasn’t in a hurry to make a phone call, so I put it off. She died in her sleep roughly nine hours later. It would have been a cut-and-dried conversation about a home repair detail, but I would have heard her voice. The lesson? Don’t assume you have the luxury of time.
What are YOUR hard questions?
Travis Bradberry closes by saying, “Asking the hard questions can be extremely uncomfortable. But we don’t learn and grow by sticking with what’s comfortable.”
He is right. Ask the questions. Give yourself grace to explore the “what if’s” while protecting your deepest “self” from the fact that other people may want you to adopt their hopes/opinions as your own.
Wife of one, Mom of two, Friend of many. My pronouns are she/her/hers.
Paula, as always, clear and thought-provoking writing. One reaction: Question No. 12 could be turned around to ask, “Can I mentor someone?” I think the act of mentoring another, even if it’s as simple as showing up for an hour a week in an elementary school, gives a person a lot of insight into his/her value system – and does some good along the way.
Paula Kiger says
That’s such a good point! (About the mentoring). I thought about what great experience it was mentoring others in Toastmasters (and how much I learned from my mentor). And I may have taken the question a bit literally, so thanks for the reframe!
Laura Lee Carter says
In a way, my new blog post is exactly what you are talking about here Paula. I now ask myself daily why I do certain things in certain ways, and invariably I find I have ridiculous rules in my head about “how things should be done.” I am so done with those silly rules!
Paula Kiger says
Yes, it’s kind of crazy how we can let silly (or no longer needed) rules drive our lives long past the time they should be ditched. I’ll check out your post!
My biggest question every day is: Have I done any good in the world today? It’ keeps me motivated!
Paula Kiger says
That’s one of my favorites too.
These are terrific questions. Your insightful answers are inspirational to delve into my own answers!
Paula Kiger says
It’s quite an exercise, but worthwhile!
Ellen Dolgen says
Very thought provoking questions! Thanks for the introspective blog! It is good to check in with ourselves once in awhile.
Paula Kiger says
Isn’t it? Thanks for stopping by!
Don’t be afraid! Go write the book!
Paula E Kiger says
YES YES YES. I need to do this! Thanks for the encouragement.
I love this, and particularly your oxygen mask answer #2. Your honesty is breathtaking and I’m grateful you shared yourself in this way.
I will happily teach you how to drive a stick shift! You’ll love it!
Paula E Kiger says
Thanks, Monica! I’ll take you up on that!